Monday, October 31, 2005
it's been almost a month since i bloggedalmost a month since i last attended a ypm service
almost a month since i last hang out with my frens
almost a month since my shop opened
almost a month since i lost touch with everyone...
almost a month since i last did the things i did
almost a month since i last sat in front of my tv
almost a month since i last watched a movie
almost a month since i got to know him...
and i'm so glad tt cos it's almost a month...pple hardly read my blog now.so i can really..truly type out feelings tt suddenly just feel like bursting out.
realised tt ever since i started my biz,i've lost touch with everyone.and i realised now why i'm always so happy whenever frens pop by my shop.cos if they dun pop by,i'll nv be able to meet em up for a chat.it gets pretty lonely at times...knowing ya frens are all out there having fun...and here u are working hard.and the least tt u hope for is to be a social outcast..or to feel left out whenever they talk abt something.yup.tt's how i'm feeling now.left out,alone,emotionally in a pretty bad state,a lil depressed and kinda discouraged.why am i suddenly feeling this way??
i dunno..it's been only a month...and living such mundane lifestyle is a total no no for me.frens simply talk abt everything and anything under the sun,and they just stop asking u out just cos they ASSUME tt u'll be busy at the shop.issit tt difficult to just ask?it's hurtful....and frens seems like...a foreign word to me now.the frens i have now..are the pple i see everyday...frens tt i can joke and luff with,to talk abt sales,help me buy dinner and look out when i need to go to the toilet and to listen to me when i'm down.I'm so glad for em.w/o em...i dunno how i'll ever survive.a 20yr old with the mentality of a 24-30yr old?yeah....being thrown out there in the working world means being forced to grow up in order to clique with pple of a higher mentality.it's difficult.why can't i just be a 20yr old leading a good life?why do i have to persevere?why isn't anyone out there to encourage me?what a re frens for??shldn't they encourage u?pray for u?or send a text occasionally to let u know tt u're being missed?they can talk bout going out,travelling overseas together and not even bother adding u into their conversation.
Why am i always the one giving in?why do i have to agree to give in to pple all the time?the older ones demand their ways,the younger ones just whine their way ahead...i'm 20.i wan attention too.i'm 20yr old...and i want pple to give in to me too.the customers are always right....frens always have other pple to give in to em.landlord's gf has landlord to give in to.shldn't this be a give and take?why am i always giving in?i'm so tired of it.and i guess tt's what sparked all tt i've been controlling for goodness knows how long.and it started all becos of colour gone wrong.i can't believe tt i got pissed and upset just cos i didn't get the one i wanted.yes!it sounds childish and i sounded petty.but why does everyone gives in to her?who is she tt deserves such a great bf?who is she tt deserves such attention which makes her even more detestable!who is she tt deserves everything she wants?yes..i sound jealous,i sound envious.but why shldn't i?
nv in my life has my frens given in to me...cos they really wanna give in.yes...they gave in..for the fear of me getting pissed.sad isn't it?nv in my life have i received a shocking surprise to know tt i'm being appreciated.nv in my life have i truly gotten something i really like by my frens(whom i tot wld know wat i'll love).yes..the things i get,the things i want....they were all given to me by myself.sad.wat are frens?i'm truly beginning to question this again.who exactly are my true frens?who're the frens who'll truly be there when u need em to be?who're the ones who knows when u need a shoulder to cry on?have i start to let the scar open again?
yup...i know..i shldn't let all these affect me spiritually.but it does hurt to know tt u've been left out in so many things....so many events.
Thks jon and ka mun!!for remembering me and asking me along in the ice cream party even tho i cldn't make it.i really appreciate tt both of u always remember me even when u're busy with so many stuff.thk u!i'm really touched.mel tham...thks for remembering tt i went to bangkok,and asked abt me even tho u've been busy with work and performances.thks for always visiting me despite ya busy schedules.days when u were ard made me happier,didn't feel so lonely and very encouraged by ya presence.it has indeed brought us closer.thk u!!cos when u're there,i truly have someone to talk to and to listen to me.thk u!
it's been a trying time...and i'm at this point where i'm so tempted to be led astray...hang out with guys who shower me with so much attention and just simply date anyone tt comes by.and i guess God knows what i'm going thru.and he's put a stop to a lot of things which has made me even more pissed.i'm hanging in there..and i'm trying to press on.i'm trying to hold on to my faith.i'm trying not to let go.i'm praying hard alot.
phew...feel better now.yippie!!all out!!i've 'puked' em out.no mopre rubbish! :)
Jojojoanna
is just simply gorgeous 1:52 AM
Tuesday, October 04, 2005 Jojojoanna
is just simply gorgeous 12:00 AM
last week..ypm had an outreach..initially...i was quite hesistant to do the dance....Questions tt popped into my mind: why are we dancing??issit cos they have no programmes den ask us to dance?WHy so last min??issit a last resort??wat were we dancing for??i just cldn't bring myself to look forward to dancing..it just felt as if i was just gonna go up stage and do a performance.
so..i kept reflecting on the song's lyrics...tried to link it to the outreach's theme...tried to get myself focused..and excited bout evangelising thru tt dance...but cldn't do it..nope..till sat itself..during rehearsal..yup.and as i did the dance..i was actually..smiling..very excited.Cos God brought me thru alot tt day itself..and tt song actually linked to the theme and stuff!!so...when it was time to dance...i did it with a smile..very grateful for such a wonderful God tt i have..who's brought me thus far..woohoo!!yes!!TESTIMONY!!hehehe..alright...come visit me soon!!